by Deborah Gilbert-Rogers*
Over the years BurrellesLuce has had the pleasure of working with communications and leadership expert Alan Cohen on a number of complimentary webinars, including “Those Difficult Talks for PR Pros – Finding Your MoJo in Delicate Discussionssm.” (Available free on-demand on the BurrellesLuce Website.)
Recently Alan offered a free webinar, “The Conflict Diet: 5 Ways to Reduce Unwanted Conflict From Your Life,” through his Acts of Balance Coaching practice.
Alan defines conflict as “a condition where peoples’ concerns (the things they care about) seem to be incompatible.” Conflict itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. He confirms, “Organizations that embrace conflict and dialogue – ones that don’t hesitate to disagree in the spirit of finding truth and making the best decisions – are successful, build trust, and keep people engaged.”
Benefits of Re-framing Conflicts without Personal Attacks
When there are disagreements initially, even unfiltered conflict can equal genuine buy-in if there is attention to results and the conflict is handled responsibly, says Alan. Engaging in conflicts without personal attacks offers a number of benefits:
- Strengthen relationships
- Increase effectiveness
- Develop employee performance
- Reduce stress
- Improve moral
- Save time, energy, and expense
“When not aired, conflict has a sneaky way of doing harm. It can stand in the background working its magic in cunning ways as a destructive energy,” states Alan.
As a “recovering people-pleaser,” Alan admits that he spent most of his life trying to avoid conflict, something that has done more harm than good and often squandered his energy. It was refreshing to hear him admit this, as I too am a recovering people-pleaser. Though, I didn’t realize to just what extent until after listening to his webinar and observing my interaction with others in times of conflict.
Modes of Conflict Resolution
While we use all of these modes, the ones we tend to gravitate towards by default are often those that we are most comfortable with and with which we have the greatest skills and that seems to fit the situation at hand, explains Alan. Generally they fall into five categories, each with a different level of assertiveness and cooperativeness.
- Compete: high assertiveness and no cooperativeness with the goal being to win.
- Collaborate: high assertiveness and high cooperativeness with the goal being to find a win-win for everyone.
- Compromising: moderate assertiveness and moderate cooperativeness with the goal being to find a middle ground.
- Accommodating: low assertiveness and high cooperativeness with the goal being to yield.
- Avoiding: low assertiveness and low cooperativeness with the goal being to delay.
One mode isn’t better or worse than the others. However, people have a tendency to be their own worst enemies. Often they underuse a mode of resolution due to a lack of experience or comfort, over use a preferred way of conflict resolution, are only interested in satisfying their own concerns, are overly interested in satisfying others, don’t fully understand the pros and cons of one mode compared to another, or don’t have enough skills to minimize pushback.
In my next blog post I will share some of the personal insights I gained from Alan’s webinar, as well as highlight some of his tips for resolving conflict and removing unwanted conflict from your life.
In the meantime, what do you think of the categories offered by Alan? What other benefits can be derived from conflict that don’t include personal attacks? Please share your thoughts here on Fresh Ideas.
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Bio: After graduating from Rider University, where she received a B.A. in English-writing and minor degrees in Gender Studies and French, Deborah joined the BurrellesLuce Marketing team in 2007. As a marketing specialist she continues to help develop the company’s thought leadership and social media efforts, including the copywriting and editing of day-to-day marketing initiatives and management of the BurrellesLuce Fresh Ideas blog. Facebook: BurrellesLuce Twitter: @BurrellesLuce LinkedIn: dgrogers